My story starts back in 2001 when I was just out of college. My life up to that point had been filled with trauma and heartache and I was doing all I could to keep my sanity together and survive. I met up with an old school friend, and as I listened to her speak I was filled with awe at the energy that came from her. She was happy and inspired and full of light. As I stood there I became very conscious of the difference between her state of being and mine and I said to her “I don’t know what it is that you have, but I want some of that.” I knew there had to be a better way to live but had no idea how. It took me some time to realize how to live a happy life in harmony with my inner voice but I had to learn a couple of lessons down the road...
Lesson 1: Seek for happiness in the right places
At the beginning of being on the path of self-awakening, I was terribly confused. By day I had a successful corporate career. By night I was learning about healing modalities, attending self-development programs and reading every spiritual book I could get my hands on. I was torn between two worlds…The need to succeed and impress my parents and my peers or.. follow my bliss through the spiritual world.
The need to succeed finally won and for many years I forced myself into a business suit and materialistic life that didn’t quite fit. At the time I had no idea this was the case as I was doing what I thought I had to do, what I thought was expected of me. While I loved the challenge that my job as a project manager gave me, I always felt that something was missing…that there was more to life than the 9 to 5. At the height of my career back in 2010, I was working for a big bank in Sydney feeling over-worked, highly stressed and completely burnt out. I was getting little sleep due to my unending ability to throw myself into my work without having an 'off' switch. Weekends were spent nourishing my insatiable hunger to collect things…clothes, shoes, cars, houses and anything else materialistic that I could add to my success portfolio.
I was psychically and mentally exhausted, emotionally shut down and spiritually empty. Caught in a hamster wheel I just couldn’t see a way out. I was nervous when speaking to peers at work, I suffered from anxiety that kept me awake at night. I was convinced I wasn’t smart enough to have the job that I did and someone would find out I was a fraud. I had a hair-trigger on my anger and exploded over the most inconsequential things. I projected my frustration and blame outwards. My health always felt like it was below average. I had numerous failed relationships with men. Nothing in life flowed and I was constantly pushing upstream.
Lesson 2: Release the past
I spent a year clearing the anger with a life coach and as we dug deep I found the anger was suppressed pain from the trauma I had experienced in my teens and 20’s due to physical and sexual assaults.
Clearing the anger was THE most liberating thing I had done for myself at the time. To be in situations that normally set me off into a blind rage (like arguing with my boyfriend) and not feel anything but calm was incredible. With the anger gone, I then focused on building my professional life, which was awesome and successful and miserably unsatisfying.
Lesson 3: Find your path and follow your guiding star
I spent the last 2 years of my career looking at different business ideas with the illusion that I could pick myself up out of my corporate job and plonk myself into new biz that would make the same amount of money so I could sustain my extravagant lifestyle.
I came across some great business ideas, but nothing felt right. Finally, I signed up for a 1-year coaching program and this is where I uncovered the fundamental beliefs and fears that held me stuck in a life that was empty and meaningless.
Through doing the foundational work of looking at the ‘whys’ of what I was doing, I had the earth-shattering realisation that the career I was in wasn’t because I loved Information Technology work. It was because I wanted the approval of my parents, particularly my father.
It was literally one of the moments when the world came crashing down around me. I had put years of time and energy into something that wasn’t actually for me. I spent weeks sitting with the shock, and asking what it was that I actually wanted from life. It was heartbreaking and confusing to not have an answer.
Being an avid traveler, I have always felt a calling towards the wild side of life, so I packed up my life in Sydney and went travelling in South East Asia to find answers. It was time to get really honest with myself which is harder than it sounds when you don’t know who you are. I was constantly questioning my thoughts to understand if they were from my heart, or from my programming.
I knew I wanted to help people but didn’t know how and wasn’t ready as I wasn’t living in an empowered way myself.
On that journey, I uncovered the fears:
I never have enough money (which is crazy given the income I was on!)
Money always runs out
No one will want to work with me
Others are doing it better
I don’t know how to run a business (also crazy with my corporate background)
I don’t want to be seen because people will reject me
I don't have a gift to share
I'm just not good enough
After 3 months on the road, I landed in Bali and decided to stay and immerse myself in a deep healing journey. The more I cleared the more space opened up for my true calling to come through. I think my greatest achievement yet is dissolving the limiting belief that I wasn't good enough, that I wasn't worthy of... well anything and everything really. I wasn't worthy of my career, I wasn't worthy of a relationship, I wasn't worthy of being seen. It wasn't an easy belief to overcome and I didn't even know it was there until I started asking why I couldn’t just do what I really wanted to do!
Lesson 4: Share your gifts
I am passionate about helping people find their answers and have always been drawn to those who are needing help and guidance or those needing someone to just listen and hold space. So my coaching career happened organically. From humble beginnings working with individual clients, meeting in coffee shops around Ubud. I now run coaching programs and retreats around the globe.
Today, living in the mountains of Peru, I pinch myself at the different paths my life has taken since those high flying career days in the corporate world.
I was never destined to live a normal life. Thank goodness for that.